all the news that print will fit.
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| notes from underground - societal whispers all the news that print will fit. |
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Saturday, August 10, 2002 np: silence (although, in my car all day, it was mansun's attack of the grey lantern) how to explain: my grandfather is dying. well, we all are. but, in a more immediate sense. he has non-small cell cancer of the lungs, hip and lymph nodes. he's on a ventilator which is keeping his emphazema-laden lungs from bogging him down in carbon dioxide. he is barely conscious. chemotherapy will not affect this cancer. because of his emphazema, radiation is not an option. surgery would leave him with only a lung and a half. on a man this age, it wouldn't do. so the decision has been made to take him off the ventilator, onto a morphine drip and let him come back to us for what brief time he has. the other day i went up to see him for the first time since he's been in the hospital. he was unconcious (as normal since he's been on the ventilator), breathing heavily with the tubes in him. he couldn't hear me. my dad was talking to him. he told me to step over and say something to him. i said, 'hi, grandpa,' and my eyes welled up and i couldn't go on talking without crying my heart out. it's a dirty scene in an intensive care area. you don't want to burst out in front of other patients. isn't good for their wellbeing, i reckon. the only person whose funeral/wake i ever cried at was brett frey's. i didn't cry when my other grandfather died, but i was only 8. i couldn't really..fathom what was up. family deaths have always occurred to me as really odd. i didn't cry at either my uncle shelton or al's funeral. but i can already tell i'm going to at this one. before i even saw my grandfather, i cried when i hugged my grandma. or at least, i got that wave of tears. i have to fight them back. i'm good at it. do i seem like some sort of would-be stoic? i used to be. i don't know what's changed exactly. does losing your virginity make you over emotional? that was slightly sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell. normally, i would've spent this entire thing talking about seeing sonic youth on wednesday. they played: "drunk butterfly," "karen revisited," "rain on tin," "disconnection notice," "radical adults lick godhead style," "plastic sun," "the empty page," "eric's trip," "kissability," "cotton crown" and more. that i can't recall. paul westerberg is next thursday. i'm sure i'll gush then. grandpa was always a really, really kind man. i like him a lot. god will too. although he knows him already. i'm going to stop now. posted by J. Neas | 8/10/2002 03:20:00 AM
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