all the news that print will fit.
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| notes from underground - societal whispers all the news that print will fit. |
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Friday, January 03, 2003 np: cheers (on the tv in the background) i've been writing a lot the last few days. well, let me refine that statement: i've been putting down a lot, erasing it, and replacing. the outcome (one finished, one mostly formed song) has been positive. i've been playing guitar a lot. trying out things. learning songs. feeling good about being an amateur musician again. and really wanting to record another tape. i've been wanting to on and off for going on three years (this christmas was three years since the last one, societal whispers, for which this blog was partially named, was recorded). i actually re-listened to societal whispers the other night and i found things in it i really dug. sonic things i really liked and wished i could replicate in a better recorded fashion. especially one song, "huntersville," of which i was always sort of proud. i have a lot of ideas..and i'm usually unable to put them down. but soon. and i hope it's my best work yet. i have a lot of songs i've written since the last record of which i'm really interested. i've played them live for years and in practice. picking from amongst them will be hard. so far i know two: "midwest" (a spurious song written cos of one picture) and "tall and slow" (an ode to my then barely begun relationship, now, my two years and counting one). "midwest" is one of my favourite of my pop pieces. it's a glorious, high-spirited, son volt music-alludin' song. well, enough talking about that. bores you all. i made an awesome mix cd of 80s - early 90s hip-hop. it runs in rough chronological order: from afrika bambaataa's "planet rock" and the glorious pair of mc shan and marly marl's "the bridge" to boogie down production's "the bridge is over," to run dmc, eric b. and rakim, public enemy, arrested development and closing with everyone's favourite: "cantaloop." aw, yeah. i'm about six months late, but i got a listen to interpol's turn on the bright lights earlier today. and it's quite good. i need to give it a few more listens, but it's going to grow on me i can tell. b. leaves on sunday. and i'm not too excited about her leaving. why would i be, eh? it's hard to have your best friend so far away most of the time. i haven't always been the best boyfriend. i haven't always done what i really wanted to do. what i knew was right or what i knew was best. i let things guide me sometimes that aren't the best interest. and i hurt people i care too much about to ever hurt that way in the first place, let alone again. in talking with e. this semester (the school counselor), i discovered that i can't even really open up to someone like him who was there to help and be honest. i lied on a few things to him, just to get by. and i did. i passed all my courses this semester and am still set to graduate come may. so there were no repurcussions. with b. i forced the repurcussions. i made them happen. with school, they never hit home. i manage to evade. at least, in one sense. i already fucked up my chances of doing *precisely* what i wanted to do. i can still do them, it just won't be the exact path i had hoped. i live my life chaotically. and not in the positive sense that is the idea behind some eastern philosophies. it is not a balance. it is a wailing storm. e. suggested that i might be depressed. but i was afraid he'd suggest the solution be some sort of medication. i loathe, fear and resent medication of most any sort. if i'm not hacking up things, i normally feel i can get over it. so i would definitely hate thinking i had to rely on medication to 'balance' me or to sort myself out. i feel like i ought to be able to do that myself. am i too proud? am i too focused on maintaining a sense of independence? i want everything this semester to go well. but i know that the moment something slides, instead of picking it back up, i'll just let it all go. i'm not sure how to stop that. i'm not sure what to do. which is a lot of why b. leaving scares me. i love her. and being here, not doing anything except being with her, is stable and comforting. and now, she's going away. and i'm not sure what to do. nothing i ever did was for want of loving her. or for lack of emotion. eleanor suggested fear of failure. but then again, i don't think eleanor always knows what she's talking about. although i respect her. and now, what will potentially be the opening track on my new album: "how to cease explaining yourself" all i get is angrier. all i get is sorrow. i wake up every day. today is always tomorrow. i get tired of explaining. of giving excuses. we all know the lies. we see right through them. everything is constant. everything is moving. i cut my way through to see where i'm going. i cut my way through. do you see where i am going? posted by J. Neas | 1/03/2003 02:11:00 AM
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