all the news that print will fit.
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| notes from underground - societal whispers all the news that print will fit. |
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Sunday, March 14, 2004 np: tom waits - "invitation to the blues" so we had about five people show up for the party. j. and i put a lot more preparation into this than was truly necessary it seems. although the apartment does look nice where we cleaned. and those who did come seemed to enjoy my guacamole. but there's a lot of beer left. and i guess the crux of this is that somehow i've let this affect my feelings on this, the anniversary of my accident. it's not like i believe the level of attendance at the party is some sort of referendum on whether or not people actually care if i'm alive. i'm not so self-centered as to believe something so farcical. but given the dismay with which i've watched elements of my life over the past months (the loss of my job and stable monetary supply, the fruitless and frustrating efforts to regain a job doing what i want to be doing, extended separation from important people), this seems to be another powerless episode on a list that is forever extending itself. all i wanted was a large group of great people to drink way too much with and have an enjoyable night thinking about how very, very lucky i am. which i am. i have no delusions of despair. but sometimes, on certain anniversaries that mark the days you nearly lost everything you ever worked or lived for, you need a little help reminding yourself of the amount of luck you hold. i don't hold anything against the people who didn't come. i wasn't any less pleased by the people who did come and with whom i had a lovely evening talking and drinking. but it seems that, much like my gift (and i consider it a gift that i'm allowed to do this) for teaching, my ability to share it with a large number of people was/is inhibited. in the case of my job, i'm only working with students at a sylvan learning center. the vast majority of them are not of the age group i enjoy working with most and they work solely on reading skills. that's something i like working with, but i love so much incorporating it with my knowledge and love of literature. in the case of the party, i only got to share my joy and happiness with a handful of them. and what's left over has turned to dust. and i guess that's what's made me sad. posted by J. Neas | 3/14/2004 11:07:00 PM
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